I went to bed only to awake and find the World had Changed

I had gone to bed on June 14th, like any other night and awoke the next morning to find that the World had changed.

I didn't know it at first, I hadn't switched on the news, but the first panicked phone call came at 10 after 6, from Mark. So distressed as he tried to tell me the news that there had been a shooting at the Hub Mall, that there were people from G4S killed. His voice had risen to a fevered pitch, as he was say "MOM, THAT IS WHERE MICHELLE WORKS!!!!!!" I remained calm as I was explaining to him that it was OK, that Michelle no longer rode on the trucks that she was a dispatcher and a trainer, that she was OK. As the day wore on, and more and more phone calls and texts came, a sinking fear began to grip my soul. Our dear Michelle.... NO! NO! my insides screamed, don't let it be.

I tried to rationalize why Peter and Cheryl had been called to come, why Victor had been called and now could not be reached. I was refusing to accept even a remote possibility that she was gone. I don't think that I will ever forget the text that came from Nigel.... "Michelle was one of the 3." I went numb.... 

I could write all kinds of things here about what happened next. but the bottom line is - Here it is, 2 months to the day that I sat here at this very desk in agony, wondering.... and everything is the same but our little piece of the world is different.

I want to write to make a difference, to enlighten the world to share a bit of me. So I will try and move past this as I know that our beautiful Michelle Shegelski would not like it if I let this define me and what I write. I know that I don't have her wit and poise, but I will plod on. I have some pieces about Love that I am going to post in the coming days that I am going to dedicate to Michelle and her loving bereaved husband Victor Shegelski.

We miss you Sweetie!

And now I MUST write....

I sit here, thinking, I should have paid more attention, I should have read more of your blogs.... so many thoughts continue to pour through my mind. Thinking of the last time I REALLY saw you,  here at the house for your make-up trail before your wedding. I saw you of course on the "Big" day, but I was only one of many. That night though you were here, and so full of life as you always were, so gracious and full of thanks for being able to use my home as a place to get done up, in prep for your wedding. So full of fun.... but of course all that has now changed. For we are all still here and you are gone. As it was read by your darling sister from one of your posts... how everything changes in just a second.

There is one thing that I know for sure.... I MUST WRITE.

I know that I probably won't ever be as witty or entertaining as you were my dear, but as you were a Princess... I am of Older Stock and am more in the realm of a Duchess, or a Dame... hoping one day to be Queen, so I will write, speak my mind and ramble and pontificate to my hearts content.

As we sat around last weekend talking with family and friends trying to make sense of the stupidity of your death, there we started to talk about addictions, and how one could become addicted to almost anything. I started to think about ANGER, and how angry I have been about things in the past. Things that seemed so important at the time, but that they pale in comparison to the anger I feel right now. Lila said that anything could be your "Crack". Is that what I want this anger to become for me, something that is totally going to take over my life. I can get so angry over "little" things, and hold on to it and let it consume me.What am I going to do with this feeling in my heart, the thing that has taken hold of me and doesn't want to let me go?

I look at Stephen, who is not yet six and watch his mind tumble over and over the thoughts and confusion. Thinking about the things that he doesn't yet know how to express. The kind of things that he shouldn't have to worry about, or think about. It is so unfair.....