Treat Everymoment as your Last.....

"Treat every moment as your last. It is not preparative for something else." - from Zen Mind, Beginners Mind, by - Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

Interesting thought isn't it? Do any of us truly live our lives like this? I had a Christian friend challenge me on this, saying that something better is yet to come. I used to believe that with all my heart when I was in the "Walk the walk and Live the Talk" phase of my life. I've come to believe that there is a different place and a different life after we leave the one that we are currently in, is it Heaven? I'm not so sure. If it there is a Heaven who's in charge?

Many things have been changing for me. I want to think that there is more than what we have right now, but what if there isn't. Shouldn't we be living every moment as our last. Just think how satisfied we would be, never second guessing ourselves. Knowing that we had done the best with what we have. Finding happines in the moment LIVED. Happiness is something that we don't ever seem to have enough of, never being satisfied with what we have, or where we are going. Always depending on someone or something to make is happy.

What about finding happines within ourselves, and the little things that happen eveyday? We are the keeper of our own happiness. I am discovering this more and more everyday. I am currently reading a book called "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin that is filled with so many insightful thoughts and tidbits of wisdom and this is inspiriung me to begin my own "Happines Project" in the coming year. I will keep you posted......

I went to bed only to awake and find the World had Changed

I had gone to bed on June 14th, like any other night and awoke the next morning to find that the World had changed.

I didn't know it at first, I hadn't switched on the news, but the first panicked phone call came at 10 after 6, from Mark. So distressed as he tried to tell me the news that there had been a shooting at the Hub Mall, that there were people from G4S killed. His voice had risen to a fevered pitch, as he was say "MOM, THAT IS WHERE MICHELLE WORKS!!!!!!" I remained calm as I was explaining to him that it was OK, that Michelle no longer rode on the trucks that she was a dispatcher and a trainer, that she was OK. As the day wore on, and more and more phone calls and texts came, a sinking fear began to grip my soul. Our dear Michelle.... NO! NO! my insides screamed, don't let it be.

I tried to rationalize why Peter and Cheryl had been called to come, why Victor had been called and now could not be reached. I was refusing to accept even a remote possibility that she was gone. I don't think that I will ever forget the text that came from Nigel.... "Michelle was one of the 3." I went numb.... 

I could write all kinds of things here about what happened next. but the bottom line is - Here it is, 2 months to the day that I sat here at this very desk in agony, wondering.... and everything is the same but our little piece of the world is different.

I want to write to make a difference, to enlighten the world to share a bit of me. So I will try and move past this as I know that our beautiful Michelle Shegelski would not like it if I let this define me and what I write. I know that I don't have her wit and poise, but I will plod on. I have some pieces about Love that I am going to post in the coming days that I am going to dedicate to Michelle and her loving bereaved husband Victor Shegelski.

We miss you Sweetie!

And now I MUST write....

I sit here, thinking, I should have paid more attention, I should have read more of your blogs.... so many thoughts continue to pour through my mind. Thinking of the last time I REALLY saw you,  here at the house for your make-up trail before your wedding. I saw you of course on the "Big" day, but I was only one of many. That night though you were here, and so full of life as you always were, so gracious and full of thanks for being able to use my home as a place to get done up, in prep for your wedding. So full of fun.... but of course all that has now changed. For we are all still here and you are gone. As it was read by your darling sister from one of your posts... how everything changes in just a second.

There is one thing that I know for sure.... I MUST WRITE.

I know that I probably won't ever be as witty or entertaining as you were my dear, but as you were a Princess... I am of Older Stock and am more in the realm of a Duchess, or a Dame... hoping one day to be Queen, so I will write, speak my mind and ramble and pontificate to my hearts content.

As we sat around last weekend talking with family and friends trying to make sense of the stupidity of your death, there we started to talk about addictions, and how one could become addicted to almost anything. I started to think about ANGER, and how angry I have been about things in the past. Things that seemed so important at the time, but that they pale in comparison to the anger I feel right now. Lila said that anything could be your "Crack". Is that what I want this anger to become for me, something that is totally going to take over my life. I can get so angry over "little" things, and hold on to it and let it consume me.What am I going to do with this feeling in my heart, the thing that has taken hold of me and doesn't want to let me go?

I look at Stephen, who is not yet six and watch his mind tumble over and over the thoughts and confusion. Thinking about the things that he doesn't yet know how to express. The kind of things that he shouldn't have to worry about, or think about. It is so unfair.....

The Calm before the Storm

Well today I am little bit calmer and not so despondent. After talking with the 'Headhunter" last night I can see that there is hope with that situation. Won't know until the beginning of the week, because if I HAVE to take a job I would rather work for the company that he is representing, and he is willing to release me to them if they offer a permanent position. So I can see the issue that will arise, offers from both and then having to choose. You always get plagued but the fear of what if I choose the WRONG ONE.

I am a bit disappointed that the Universe didn't answer my plea and have someone, anyone comment or commiserate with me on my choices. Maybe I have finally given over to the dark side and have gone completely off my rocker. Talking to myself, well at least I haven't started answering myself.

Searching for jobs, is always such a hard thing. How to sell yourself. It's always so crazy, other people seem to be able see something in me that I can't see in myself. Maybe that is a good thing, it could be just the thing that keeps me humble.

It never ceases to amaze me that I keep getting better positions all the time, moving up the corporate ladder, even though it's not my attention. In both of these positions as a Project Coordinator, the next logical place for me to go would be Project Management. That's kind of scary. Here I am, I didn't stick it out to graduate from High School, have my GED, a diploma from CDI and I am succeeding. I am in demand. People I like and respect see me advancing myself in the corporate world. That is part of what makes me an Ordinary Woman, Living an Extraordinary Life.

Well, on that note, the Ordinary Woman better go and do some laundry, not successful enough to have a maid yet.

Universe, thanks for listening.

Winnie

So, now what do I do..... They are in the next stage, wanting to move forward, writing an offer. What the heck have I gotten myself into? Why do I do this to myself? Am I insane? Wait that's not a question one should ask, especially of one's self, when you are talking to yourself. I just find myself getting sad, even before I accept this, going into a job that I don't think I want. I know "Why did I even apply?", right? Well there is a number of activities that I like to engage in, like eating, knitting, letter writing, to mention a few, and they require this stuff called money and they most acceptable way to get money is to work..... so hence the job hunting and applying. YUCK.... why can' t I just be independently wealthy?

Oh well, I will just wait and see what they have to offer. Enough of my BS for today, no one is listening but it sure does feel good to talk.

Feeling a little less ordinary, or maybe acknowledging the extraordinary :-)

Winnie

The Waiting Game

Well, here I am riding that emotional roller coaster of the job hunt. Applying for jobs, being contacted for jobs, interviews, second interviews, no job, two almost certain, then not so certain. It drives me crazy. The jobs in question are not even ones that I really want to do.The frustration of not knowing what I really want to do with my life. What do I really want to be when I grow up?

I feel like I am really stuck in a rut. Pigeon holed into administration work, which I am really good at, but Man I hate it. How does one break out of that type casting? All the things I really want to do are either very unattainable or not very practical. Like owning my own Yarn Shop or Independent Book Store, or being a writer Full time. Is the problem that I don't have enough drive? Or am just too afraid to take the risk? Poor Hubby, he just wants to see me be happy.

So here I sit today, waiting on two different jobs, both in Admin., both well paying, one permanent, one a contract position. Yesterday they were almost a given, today full of uncertainty, both on their side and certainly on my side. With one it's someone with in the company that might be available to fill the position, the other is still in the interview process. (Others to see) . What do I do if they offer me a job, either one of the companies? Am I only doing this to please my Hubby? How do I reinvent myself? I can't even say why I really don't like these types of jobs. I think that it is fear of rejection, a life long issue of mine.

I know I am rambling, I am trying to write my way through this. Crying out to the universe in hopes that someone, somewhere will read this blog and impart some words of wisdom or suggestions. I am feeling like such a failure......

Well, here's hoping that on the drive home something will come to me and I will know what I should be doing. I have to end this post as my battery is just about out of juice.

Until the Next Time....

Feeling Pretty Ordinary
Winnie

Moving On....

Here I am again, after being away for a LONG time. Looking back at my previous posts, I'm not sure just where I was going with it. SO  I will move on. I am "Just an Ordinary Woman leading an extraordinary life...."

Did you ever wake up and wonder "How did I end up here?" I have travelled many roads and have worn many different hats, but right now I am wondering once again who I really am. It's time to reinvent myself AGAIN. To be 53 and unemployed, searching for what I want to be when I grow up seems to be so senseless, but just right all in the same breath. Searching for the thing that will give me back that sparkle in my eyes and the ability to walk into a room and command the attention of all.